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Don't want to offend anyone but this really made me laugh;


The government is worried that the size of men's willy's are getting smaller.





To find out how great the problem is they have asked all men with a willy smaller than three inches to put a white flag with a red cross on their car.

I had this as my facebook status the other day - I think it is hilarious.

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

Sue sent me this and it really made me chuckle...


A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

_________________
Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but weve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, Neither do I.....

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Mel

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good one

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

Drama queen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGnfKnfY6EM

[Young Director Award 2007] First For Women -Taking the Piss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCUjaY3CNXw

The secret to long life...

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the lady pictured below, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every day, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid twice, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

Nice one

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

love it!

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

'You are all part of our team now', said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads. 'No.' After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?'

A hand rose hesitantly. 'You fool!' the leader raged. 'For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.............

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

Good one

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

This is my new favourite joke

In the early hours police raided kermit the frogs Lillypad home to find indecent pictures of miss piggy everywhere. police reported it was the worse case of frogspawn ever seen

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!