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Was beginning to think it was 'Groundhog Day'

Just don't do it tomorrow please, having been off work since end of November I'm already confused as to what day it is.

Never Argue with a Woman.

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment for fishing. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and charge you.'

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment..'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' said the warden and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely that she can also think.

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

That is a seriously good one. Loved it.

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

As you all know, I don't like to see bad language on the forum but this joke just wouldn't work without it....and it is quite mild I think......


Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Lancashire lad walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Lancashire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere lad?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Lancashire lad said, "Tha's doing well then
........................................Only two left!"

The moral for Southerners - Don't mess wi’ folks from Lancashire

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

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Gloria

I'd be dangerous with a brain.

Brilliant!

When my granddaughter was about 8, she was telling me that a new kid had moved into her neighbourhood. I was asking her about the boy's family..."Does his mother work outside the home?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, without hesitation. "How do you know?" I asked. "I saw her in the garden mowing the lawn" he replied.

I shouldn't have been so nosey, I guess!!

Same granddaughter........aged about 5 this time.
Having taken swimming lessons all summer she was telling me she was now an expert swimmer. "How far can you swim?" I asked. "I don't know" was her answer. Thinking she needed a visual cue I asked again.."Can you swim from here to the wall over there?" "No!" she said forcefully. "OK..how about from here to the end of this table?" I tried again. "No!!" with a disdainful glare. "How is it you say you can swim really well, but you can't swim from here to there?" I tried again. "Nana!", she said with total seriousness, "there's no water here!"

An elderly Floridian calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in: 'Disregard.' he says, 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

Stephanie.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

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Mel

Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!

Stephanie.

needed cheering up today