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Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
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Author:  Mel [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:55 am ]
Post subject:  Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Remedy For Squinting - Look straight before you.
Author:  Mel [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
From Mouth To Mouth
Mary - "Oh, Sissy! this tiresome loose tooth! I declare I'll pull it out!"
Sissy - "Oh, no, Mary, pray don't. Ma'll make me wear it."
(Sissy gets all her sister's cast-offs)
Author:  Mel [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Evenings At Home

What enjoyments await us, my own little wife,
On a cheery though cold winter eve!-
There be charms in the calmly sedate married life
That the bachelor cannot conceive.
There are cards - there is chess - there is music, you know;
Say the word, my love,-what shall it be?
(While you make up your mind let us banish below
To the remains of the toast and the tea.)

I concur with you, dearest; a song would be best.
Could yot give me The Mistletoe Bough?
'Tis a trifle old-fashioned, it must be confess'd,
But I think I should relish it now.
All your new-fangled lyrics I cannot endure;
But I do love a ballad like that.-
By the way, what a nuisance it is, to be sure,
That you sing so confoundly flat.

Nay, it strikes me, my darling, you're scarce in the vein
To indulge me by warbling to-night.
Let us fly to the board and the chessmen again,
As a source of unfailing delight.
I'm a novice, I grant it; and only can play
In the strictly conventional grooves;-
Yet I'm far above you, dear, I safely can say,
For I think that you just "know the moves."

Let us put up the chess, love, and pull out the cards:
To play whist one is always inclined.
(Double-dummy is equal in many regards
To the four-handed rubber, you'll find.)
Once again I must warn you of one little thing
That you rarely remember, I fear;-
You should seldom, if ever, lead off with a king
When the ace is against you, my dear.

What a pity! -The music was not a success-
('Tis the fault of our Collard, no doubt;)
We could hardly contrive to get on with our chess
(What on earth could your queen be about?)
There's a sameness in whist when one cannot but get
The two trebles and also the rub.-
Never mind: let us wait for to-morrow, my pet.-
Come and kiss me. I'm off to the club!
Author:  Mel [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
A clergyman at Sing Sing Prison, N.Y., recently prefaced his remarks to the prisoners by saying that he was "glad to see so large a number present."
Author:  Gloria [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Good ones :lol:
Author:  Burnleymasher [ Sun Aug 02, 2009 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Love 'em :lol:


Stephanie.
Author:  Mel [ Tue Aug 04, 2009 7:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
A cross old aunt said to a litle niece whom she saw tasting various liquid preparations in th ekitchen - "Child, you shouldn't be sipping and sipping everything you see. It is very naughty for a child to be sipping all the time." "Well," retorted the child, "I heard Uncle James say that your kind of sipping was the worst kind of all." "Indeed, Miss Impertinence! and what did he say it was?" "Gossipping, and then they all laughed," said the child. The aunt didn't laugh.
Author:  Mel [ Tue Aug 04, 2009 7:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
There has been many a maid who had not the courage to raise her eyes to his when he popped the momentous question; yet that same female, as a wife, has stodd over the table under which her husband had crawled for safety, and flourished the poker with all the lion-like bravery of a Boadicea or Semiramis.
Author:  Mel [ Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Hampshire Telegraph

Saturday 13 May 1893

A Pretty Custom

The pretty custom of drinking to the health of loved ones is still kept up in the ward-rooms of the vessels of the American Navy. At nine o'clock in the evening the Captain or Commander will cause glasses to be filled, and, rising, will deliver this sentiment:-
"Gentlemen, I ask you to drink to sweethearts and wives. May the sweetheart become the wife; may the wife always remain the sweetheart." The assembled officers drink this toast in silence.


Curious Custom

In Brittany a curious matrimonial custom prevails. On certain fête days the young ladiues appear in red petticoats, with white ot yellow borders around them. The number of borders denotes what portion the father is willing to give hus daughter. Each white band, representing silver, denotes 100fr. per annum, and each yellow band denotes gold, and betokens 1,000fr. a year. Thus a young man who sees a face that pleases him has only to glance at the trimmings of the petticoats to learn what amount accompanies the wearer.
Author:  Mel [ Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:11 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
Ought a baker to drive a thorough-bread horse?
Author:  Mel [ Sat Aug 08, 2009 7:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Pickings from the wit sections of the old newspapers
The Rev. Dr. Blank was a good deal pestered by a zealous brother who always improvised a remark before the doctor began. On one occasion, as he rose to speak, the pastor gently interrupted him by saying, "Brother, will you lead us in prayer?" The brother hesitated but a moment, and made answer, "I was about to offer a few remarks, but perhaps I can throw them into the form of a prayer."
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